Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
