ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
