Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
