Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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