just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Who died my cat blue again?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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