Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My hand turned me down
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My vagina just clenched in fear
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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