I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
