Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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