I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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