She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
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