So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize