Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
