Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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