90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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