Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
