I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Randomize