I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
