I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
