Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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