oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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