i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
