Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
