I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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