I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
