so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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