There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I wish I only lived at night.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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