That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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