i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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