So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
