Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
