i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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