You're so nebulous sometimes
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
