dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
