woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize