I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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