she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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