she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I need to stop coming to work sober
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
