the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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