Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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