Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
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