I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
