Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
