even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
