9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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