Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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