I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
