Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
