I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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