so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
