I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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