3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
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