I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
the condom got lost in my hair
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
