You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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