i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
