Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
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