I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
