Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
