just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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