I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My boob is missing a layer of skin
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Randomize
