Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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