I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
