I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
