i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
